If Donald Trump Had Been the Apostle Paul

In the spirit of political satire, drenched in religious parody, which is perhaps all we can handle this election cycle, here is what, I believe, the Donald would say if he had been Paul, Apostle to the Gentiles:

Apostle Donald

“I made the foundation, I did. I made a big foundation. Now we’re going to build a wall. A really big wall. To keep out the circumcision bad guys. They’re really bad people. Maybe a few good ones, but mostly really bad. And we’re going to make them build it. That’s right. A really big wall to keep out those dirty James party people. And Cephas too. You know Cephas wants to take away your right to bear pork. That’s right, people. No more bacon. Gotta build that wall.” (1 Trmp 3:10)

“Now concerning the matters you wrote about. I know, you wrote a lot. About matters and stuff. I know. I read the letter. I really did. Now here’s what I gotta say. You shouldn’t touch a woman. Seriously, don’t touch. It’s not good. Really bad. No touching. If you keep this up, I’m going to build a wall. A really big wall. Keep you out. All the way out. Not going let you do that touching thing. No touching. Not even your wife. And she can’t touch neither. No touchy stuff. Not good. Bad people. Going to ban all of you. Even the maybe good ones. So stop it. I’ll do the touching thing, you don’t have to. We’re going to make Corinth Great Again.” (1 Trmp 7:1-5)

“I heard this thing, you know. This really bad thing. The two of you keep fighting. I heard about it. Don’t like it. Not going to make Philippi Great Again. Seriously, folks, I know how to build a church. I really do. I’ve done it. Many, many times. Lots of times. In-fighting isn’t good. Nope, not at all. So stop. I mean it, just get along. Kiss and make up. Whatever. Now let me talk to Melania. Help ‘em out, okay? Really, I need this to get sorted. No more fighting. Not good. Just talk to ‘em. Talk it out. Look at what Apollos’ wife did. You know, the script. The good one. Not the bad one. Use it. Nobody will notice she wrote it first. Just get it done. Going to make Philippi Great Again.” (Prmp 4:2-3)

“Look. I’m coming to town. You know that I’m coming. Going to be there. Get the message out. Going to do lots of stuff. Great stuff. You’ll like it. Never been there, but you’ll love me. Trust me. Everyone loves me. I’m just lovable. Got lots of friends there. Check it out. Here’s the list. Lots and lots and lots of people.” (Trom 1:1-7, cf. Trom 16)

And let’s not forget the apostolic tweets–

“I was the first and only Apostle to promise no cuts. Luke copied me.”

“If Timothy wasn’t my son, maybe I’d be dating him. Very nice figure.”


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